Mike asks :

Hi Lucy, 

I’ve been seeing a woman in her mid-50s for two and half years. I’m 57. We live forty miles apart. She is separated and has three children, one married with a child another at university and another who is 30 living at home. 

We have had a marvellous time together going on three exotic holidays which I paid for as she has debt problems as well as a mortgage. We saw each other about once every two weeks to start off. Lately I have bought a house as I was living with my mother. 

Usually we stayed overnight at her house at her wish. We had a loving, sexy relationship. Since I have my own house she seems to have backed off me a bit. I recently asked her if everything between us was ok and she said it was. Recently she has come to my house but has not stayed and gone home the same day. She says she loves me and always holds hands. I always take her out somewhere special. 

Recently she confessed she felt fat and bloated and didn’t want to take her clothes off with me until she has lost weight. I have told her I support her and am there for her but am worried that something is not right. She seems to have up days and down days. I know debt is draining. She says she has never been so well looked after since she met me. I know there is no one else in the background. She also works long shifts as a nurse.


Hi Mike,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

It sounds like something might be going on behind the scenes here to make her change her mind so quickly.

Perhaps if you have paid for things like holidays in the past she has some residual guilt over that. She may feel that now you own your house that she can't accept any more treats from you because you have new responsibilities and so is keeping her distance.

Perhaps she has taken you buying your own house as a message that you don't want to live with her. She may have thought that one day you would live together in her home or in one you bought together. By buying your own place she may think that you don't see the same things for your future maybe?

Maybe the debt and her shifts are getting on top of her and she is lacking confidence in herself at the moment. If she is feeling down about a lot of things perhaps her self-esteem has been affected as a consequence.

Perhaps you could talk to her again about her sudden change of heart and offer some more words of assurance.

Perhaps something has happened with her kids and she is worried about them. There could be a great many reasons for her change in behaviour. You may need to talk to her some more before she can confide in you as to what is bothering her. If you let her know that she can talk to you about anything then maybe she will reveal what's been going on inside.

If not, then it may just be that what she has told you is the case and you have read something into the situation that's not there.

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