Brian asks :

Hi Lucy, 

I've been with my fiancé for 11 years engaged 6 months. We recently arrived home after traveling Canada for two years. We also lived together for 4 years before we went traveling. We have been inseparable more or less for the past 11 years; I'm 26 and she is 27. We have been home now 2 months and she has decided to break up with me. 

At first her reasons were that we have lost respect for each other. Then it was that she just wanted to be independent from me as I have done everything for us in the relationship. She feels she doesn't put in enough but that's just the way we are and it doesn't bother me at all. Now she's saying I don't make her happy in the way she wants. I'm just extremely confused about the situation as only 6 months ago she agreed to marry me and she was ecstatic and only 3 months ago we were planning on having children in the next year or two. She keeps saying that she loves me to pieces but we're just not right for each other. I just don't understand how we were "right for each other" only a few months ago now all that has changed. We had made life long plans together and it's all gone just like that. 

I've begged her not to throw away 11 years; that whatever the problem is, it can be worked on but she says she wants to be on her own now and that I have to accept it. I'll never be able to accept it as she truly is the only women for me. I'm at my wits end on how to get her back or if I ever will. She's also saying that if it’s meant to be it will but for now we're broke up- any advice would be appreciated.

 

Hi Brian,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

It sounds like she might have been swept up in the excitement of travelling with you. If you had nothing but each other for a couple of years, then maybe you became reliant on one another and thought you couldn't be any other way.

Since something back she might have realised that she wants to try being independent for a while to prove to herself that she can. This could be a phase until she satisfies her need for it. Even if you tell her you don't mind providing for her, she still might feel the desire to do it anyway- just to confirm that she doesn't need to rely on anyone but herself.

If you want to fight for her then perhaps suggest some counselling so you can get a better understanding of where this change has come from. If she agrees to this then it might help you to talk about this more and explore the emotions surrounding it and the source of her new perspective on life.

She has given you lots of reasons not to continue as a couple and it sounds like she is just as confused as you are. Perhaps she wants to do certain things before settling down and felt pressure to do them when talking about family. She has told you if it's 'meant to be it will' and that 'for now' you are broken up- so perhaps she is still open to exploring the relationship after she has been by herself for a while.

That said, perhaps you could ask her for a more simple explanation as to why this happened so suddenly. Maybe once she has taken some time out she will be able to communicate this more clearly to you. Right now, it feels like she needs to get a better grasp of it herself first, so some time and patience might be what she needs from you.


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