Around 30 years ago, I was seeing a girl and everything was great until she became pregnant. I wanted her to keep the baby but her parents made her get an abortion. After this- for a few weeks I was allowed to see her then she rang saying could we meet up. When we did, she told me she was going to university in Bath and didn't want to ever see me again even though she said she would think about what we had every day. She ended up married and then divorced with a daughter. After all these years I've known her parents- I actually get on with her dad but her mother won't speak to me. The reason for this message is I have nightmares about what happened at least twice a week. I'm happily married with a daughter but I just want to see her and have a coffee to say sorry. Am I wrong to feel this way? And do I try and contact her? Thanks
Sex and relationship expert Jessica Leoni said: “What a sad story. Let’s start with the last of your questions: should you try to contact her? No, absolutely not. You say that you are happily married with a daughter - those are the two people who matter most here, particularly your daughter. How is she going to be served by you getting back in touch with an old flame? It seems fairly obvious from your letter that a part of you is still in love with your ex. If those feelings are in any way reciprocated by her, particularly given she is divorced, you could be opening a whole can of worms which could destroy your marriage and leave your daughter being brought up in a broken home. Do you really want that?
“Now let’s deal with the other issues you raise. You say that are having nightmares twice a week over the split with your ex and her abortion. Wow - those are powerful feelings of guilt 30 years on. What are you feeling guilty about? Yes, abortions are traumatic for all concerned but I really don’t think you did anything wrong all those years ago. She got pregnant completely by mistake which happens more often than you think in teenage romances. She chose to terminate the pregnancy, under pressure from her parents - not because of you. You were there for her. You could not have been more supportive. The fact that this decision still haunts you all these years later is desperately sad. I guess you are imaging what would have happened to the child you would have had and how they would have grown up. You have no evidence that your ex is plagued by the same thoughts - she moved on and had a child with someone else, though that relationship has not worked out. I think you would benefit from some counselling so that you can achieve ‘closure’ on the abortion and a situation where you have behaved blamelessly.
“You are not wrong to feel this way - it shows what a sensitive guy you are. But you need to move on from your past and cherish what you have in the present. You are cheating your wife and your daughter by being fixated on your ex and a regrettable incident from your teens.”
Jessica is a sex and relationship expert for the dating site, IllicitEncounters.com
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