Amy asks :

Hi Lucy, 

My boyfriend is a smoker. This is an absolute deal breaker for me. He hid it from me for around 4 months when I first met him and I found out through one of his friends. I would have never gone on a second date if I'd known. He knows how disgusting and how unattractive I find it. 

In the beginning, he seemed really taken back and bothered about how I felt. It seems now it's more of a "I've gotten away with it" attitude and he carries on when I'm not around. 

I only have to see tobacco in his car or smell it on him and it completely turns me off and puts me in the worst mood. If I bring it up we argue... I love him so much. I want to marry this man! But I can't. The thought makes me feel sick. I don't know what to do anymore but I can't be with a smoker. What do I do :( 


Hi Amy,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

It's clear that the act of smoking puts you off, however it sounds like the lying has also affected your relationship. If he lied to you once about smoking- could he do it again? Or could he lie about something else?

There are some things that people are willing to negotiate over, however there are others that- like you say- are deal breakers. If he does continue to smoke, it's possible that you will be in constant conflict with him over this, unless you find a compromise.

If you know that you will always be divided in your opinion, is this something you are willing to negotiate over in your partnership? If you love him- are you willing to bend your rules for him?

Another possibility is that you could encourage him and help him to quit if he knows that he could lose you over this. There are so many places to get advice on quitting- such as online and at the doctors, so perhaps you could seek out the information together.

Have you told him why you find it so offensive? If there is a reason for your dislike of smoking- it might be worth telling him so he can see things from your point of view.

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