Julie asks :

Hi Lucy,

How do I stop being attracted to my married guy friend? I have known him for about 14 years and have always liked him but I was never single when he was. I need help.



You have made a positive step by admitting to me that you are attracted to your friend.

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

Perhaps you are attracted to the idea of you and him. If you have known each other for so long and have a strong friendship then you may think that it would be easy to slip into relationship territory. With that said, if he was single and you went out romantically, you could find that you don’t connect on that next level and are better off as friends.

It sounds like you have had this attraction so long and you have considered what it might be like to date him and created a picture in your mind of what that would look like. Many people do this when they are drawn to someone- it’s completely normal. However, by doing this, you may have created a perfect picture and the reality could be quite different.

What I would say is- he’s married so consider him off limits. If you were never single at the same time then this could be a good thing. You might have lost him as a lover and a friend if you had tried for more and found out that you weren’t compatible with one another.

I would spend your time concentrating on you, your own love life and focus on the positive aspects of the friendship you have with him. That way you should begin to separate the two and see him as a friend and your romantic life as a separate entity.

Pursuing someone who is romantically inaccessible is only setting yourself up for hurt. Be kind to yourself and find someone who you have a chance to be happy with because first and foremost, they have the same relationship status as you. It seems like you are investing a lot of time thinking about him- and it’s arguable that this is time wasted when you could be investing it more wisely.  

Try and consider what it is that you find so attractive in him. Is he kind? Caring? A good listener? A good friend? You can find these qualities in others, he is not the only person to have such traits but you have to be willing to look for them in someone else.



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