Furry Vengeance

Furry Vengeance

2010’s been a great year for films. Animated toy’s made us cry; we delved into our dreams, learned how to train dragons and visited Ben Affleck’s fantastic Boston bank robbers.

But for all the brilliant highs, there must be crushing lows. These next five films are those. The bottom of the barrel and the worst things to have hit your local multiplex this year. If you’re lucky, you won’t ever see any of them.

5-Cop Out

One. That’s the number of times Cop Out is funny. One. The amount of minutes that funny character is on screen. The other 106 minutes of this ‘comedy-action’ movie fell like, well, a cop out.

A film with two plots in one (neither properly formed or committed to) sees Bruce Willis and comedian Tracy Morgan team up as Jimmy and Paul, partners on the force for nine years, despite no chemistry and a distinct dislike of each other.

While trying to track down a Mexican drug cartel, they get suspended, leaving them on their own to try and catch the bad guys. But this film is really about Bruce Willis trying to find his stolen ultra valuable baseball card so he can pay for his daughter’s wedding.

And yes, it’s as stupid as it sounds. All of which isn’t helped by a bored looking Bruce Willis and a violence inducing turn by Tracy Morgan.

This film never wants to be itself though, as ridiculous as that might sound. Everything in here is a bad re-hash of old 1980s cop movies. The weird and wacky partnership? Check. The impromptu car chase? Check. So much completely inappropriate synth music that it makes youwant to put the TV on mute? All present.

Along with the ponderous and boring Jersey Girl, this only just proves that Kevin Smith cannot seem to make a good film unless it features the lovable losers of New Jersey. Go rent Lethal Weapon. Heck, go rent Lethal Weapon 4 over this.

4-Vampires Suck

It’s a horrifically unfunny Twilight spoof. That’s all that needs to be said really.

Brought to you by the team that made such cancerous offerings as Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie, this is a collection of random, nonsensical pop culture references and jokes so blunt they give you a concussion.

Here’s a little sample of the rapier like whit displayed by writers Freidberg and Seltzer.
Lady Gaga’s a bit weird, the Jersey Shore’s a thing, and Alice in Wonderland came out this year. Yeah....

On the other hand, star Jenn Proske can do a fantastic Kristen Stewart impression.

3-Remember Me

Labelled as the showcase for Twilight heart-throb Robert Pattinson’s acting ability, Remember Me will stick in the memory banks for all the wrong reasons.

Remember Me is a romantic drama centring around college students Tyler (R-Pattz) and Ally (Emelie de Ravin). Tyler, still in mourning for his dead brother, mad at his work-driven father and brooding like his life depends on it, get’s himself assaulted by a cop after being involved in a fight.

Finding the cop’s daughter Ally, he’s dared by his room-mate to date her as a plan of revenge only for Tyler to fall in love.

This is a horrible, lifeless, shapeless story following a group of truly hateful people being hateful to one another. Only one bright spark ever occurs in here and even then, that is snuffed out before it can even catch fire.

None of this is helped by an on screen couple with less chemistry than a slab of concrete, especially as all Pattinson does for 113 minutes is brood, moan and be a complete *insert expletive here* to everyone else in the film.

This near two hours of mind numbing boredom is changed to anger though by an ending so bad it would make the Dalai Lama swear profusely at his TV and call for the writer’s head.
Perhaps R-Pattz should go back to sparkling veggie-vampires. And stay there.

2-The Last Airbender

M. Night Shyamalan, why do you keep doing this to us? After the mess of The Happening (possibly the most ironic title of the decade) and the self indulgent tripe of Lady in the Water, the bar couldn’t possibly be lowered still. Right?

Nope.

Airbender tries to tell us the tale of a world divided into nations of the four elements, all with ‘benders’ people who can control the element of their land.

All is not well though, as the evil fire nation seeks world domination.

This film focuses on Katara and her brother Sokka, two teenagers from the water tribe who find Aang, a 12 year old boy frozen in a ball of ice, but still alive.

Aang, as the Avatar (no, not that kind), the only one who can control all four elements, must defeat the fire nation and restore balance to the world. All this while being pursued by the exiled Fire Prince Zuko.

As confusing as that plot synopsis may be, it’s nothing compared to the film. You need a pen and paper to keep track of everything here. Or you would if this film had any notion of coherence.

This is a terribly acted, incompetently made, horribly written film that at the same time manages to be both incomprehensible and ham fisted.

All this is made worse by the association with the cracking Nickelodeon cartoon of the same name. Watch that. It’s great family entertainment and a million times better than this rubbish.

1-Furry Vengeance
Furry Vengeance is not only the worst film of 2010, it might just be the worst film of the decade.

A mixture of horrendous slapstick ‘comedy’, stupidity on and insulting level and a little bit of racism, Furry Vengeance will kill the soul of any struggling director/writer/actor out there.

Leaving whatever fragments of a promising serious career behind, Brendan Fraser plays Dan Sanders, an estate agent who has to drag his family out of the city and into the country to overview a new housing development.

Not only does he have to put up with his overbearing boss, but nature itself. Lead by a homicidal racoon, the forests critters fight back.

Words cannot describe the awfulness of Furry Vengeance. The amount of times skunks and the excretions of other animals are used boggles the mind. This is 90 minutes of pure pain.

Stay away from this repulsive, hideous film at all and any cost.

Femalefirst Cameron Smith

2010’s been a great year for films. Animated toy’s made us cry; we delved into our dreams, learned how to train dragons and visited Ben Affleck’s fantastic Boston bank robbers.

But for all the brilliant highs, there must be crushing lows. These next five films are those. The bottom of the barrel and the worst things to have hit your local multiplex this year. If you’re lucky, you won’t ever see any of them.

5-Cop Out

One. That’s the number of times Cop Out is funny. One. The amount of minutes that funny character is on screen. The other 106 minutes of this ‘comedy-action’ movie fell like, well, a cop out.

A film with two plots in one (neither properly formed or committed to) sees Bruce Willis and comedian Tracy Morgan team up as Jimmy and Paul, partners on the force for nine years, despite no chemistry and a distinct dislike of each other.

While trying to track down a Mexican drug cartel, they get suspended, leaving them on their own to try and catch the bad guys. But this film is really about Bruce Willis trying to find his stolen ultra valuable baseball card so he can pay for his daughter’s wedding.

And yes, it’s as stupid as it sounds. All of which isn’t helped by a bored looking Bruce Willis and a violence inducing turn by Tracy Morgan.

This film never wants to be itself though, as ridiculous as that might sound. Everything in here is a bad re-hash of old 1980s cop movies. The weird and wacky partnership? Check. The impromptu car chase? Check. So much completely inappropriate synth music that it makes youwant to put the TV on mute? All present.

Along with the ponderous and boring Jersey Girl, this only just proves that Kevin Smith cannot seem to make a good film unless it features the lovable losers of New Jersey. Go rent Lethal Weapon. Heck, go rent Lethal Weapon 4 over this.

4-Vampires Suck

It’s a horrifically unfunny Twilight spoof. That’s all that needs to be said really.

Brought to you by the team that made such cancerous offerings as Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie, this is a collection of random, nonsensical pop culture references and jokes so blunt they give you a concussion.

Here’s a little sample of the rapier like whit displayed by writers Freidberg and Seltzer.
Lady Gaga’s a bit weird, the Jersey Shore’s a thing, and Alice in Wonderland came out this year. Yeah....

On the other hand, star Jenn Proske can do a fantastic Kristen Stewart impression.

3-Remember Me

Labelled as the showcase for Twilight heart-throb Robert Pattinson’s acting ability, Remember Me will stick in the memory banks for all the wrong reasons.

Remember Me is a romantic drama centring around college students Tyler (R-Pattz) and Ally (Emelie de Ravin). Tyler, still in mourning for his dead brother, mad at his work-driven father and brooding like his life depends on it, get’s himself assaulted by a cop after being involved in a fight.

Finding the cop’s daughter Ally, he’s dared by his room-mate to date her as a plan of revenge only for Tyler to fall in love.

This is a horrible, lifeless, shapeless story following a group of truly hateful people being hateful to one another. Only one bright spark ever occurs in here and even then, that is snuffed out before it can even catch fire.

None of this is helped by an on screen couple with less chemistry than a slab of concrete, especially as all Pattinson does for 113 minutes is brood, moan and be a complete *insert expletive here* to everyone else in the film.

This near two hours of mind numbing boredom is changed to anger though by an ending so bad it would make the Dalai Lama swear profusely at his TV and call for the writer’s head.
Perhaps R-Pattz should go back to sparkling veggie-vampires. And stay there.

2-The Last Airbender

M. Night Shyamalan, why do you keep doing this to us? After the mess of The Happening (possibly the most ironic title of the decade) and the self indulgent tripe of Lady in the Water, the bar couldn’t possibly be lowered still. Right?

Nope.